“My sister is staring down the barrel of sharing custody of her daughter,” wrote a Cup of Jo reader named Jess. “Dropping that point along with her at present appears unimaginable to return to phrases with. It might be great to listen to how others have discovered it — the challenges, the practicalities, and (particularly) the sudden joys.” A reader named Sarah then replied, “Oh my goodness, I’m going through this concern myself and feeling so misplaced and heartbroken. Sure, please.”
So! We requested 9 divorced ladies about life with joint custody — the nice components, the robust components, and what stunned them. Listed below are their solutions (and should you’re up for sharing, we’d love to listen to your experiences, too)…
I noticed you don’t must be round 100% of the time to be a great mum or dad:
“I’ve my seven-year-old son for per week, then per week off. At first, I couldn’t think about being away from him for thus lengthy. However I had just a few divorced associates, and so they guided me by means of the grieving course of. One good friend informed me, ‘You may name me day or night time, and I’ll be there.’ Gestures like that have been my lifeline. Additionally, for the primary time since having my son, I’m experiencing roles outdoors of caretaking, like being a gift good friend, a sister, and a 40-something-woman on the courting scene. It’s a lot enjoyable. I used to assume {that a} ‘good mom’ was along with her youngsters on a regular basis, however that’s not true. The fact is you generally is a current mum or dad and make your baby really feel cherished and safe with out being with them 24/7.” — Emily
I discovered house to discover my queerness:
“We ‘nested’ for the primary 12 months — which means, our youngsters stayed within the residence, and my ex and I rented a one-bedroom down the road, the place we’d change off staying when it wasn’t our time with the children. Leaving my youngsters — just like the precise act of leaving — that first weekend was so arduous. I cried arduous as I rolled my suitcase down the road. However these blocks of free time became moments the place I might discover my sexual id. Having each different weekend to discover this new facet of myself, construct my queer group, and work alone therapeutic and progress was the most important silver lining. I additionally really feel so open with my youngsters, and we speak about all the things — parenting, divorce, sexuality, the world. I feel that as a result of they see me being my genuine self, they really feel like they are often their genuine selves, too.” — Lexi
I used to be alone in my home for the primary time, ever:
“My divorce got here after years of being a ‘married single mum or dad.’ I labored full time and took on the majority of home and caretaking work. I had by no means been alone in my home EVER! Not even for an hour! So, that first weekend was magical. I slept in. I went for lengthy walks on my own. I ate no matter I wished (Thai curry) every time I wished (9 p.m.) wherever I wished (in mattress, alone)! My baseline for years had been overstimulated, overworked, all the time multitasking, all the time placing others first, and working from a shortage mindset when it got here to time. I’m really shocked by how little disappointment has include my ‘off’ weekends. One other shock? Feeling nearer than ever to my youngsters, post-divorce. My partner and I weren’t aligned on parenting instincts or world views in any respect, so whereas it’s arduous understanding that they’re getting a really totally different expertise at dad’s home, I lastly get to mum or dad how I all the time dreamed of parenting. This brings a lot pleasure and confidence to my position as a mother.” — Annie
I realized learn how to drive a tractor and cling cabinets:
“There are occasions once I miss my youngsters, in fact, however I really feel alive in a manner I haven’t in years. I like seeing my associates extra usually and making an attempt new hobbies, like taking myself to karaoke! Additionally, my ex used to do all the home upkeep. Now, on my off days, I’ve realized learn how to drive a tractor, cling cabinets, exchange a towel bar, and stress wash the skin of the home. It feels empowering to be taught new abilities. I’ve additionally been relieved to search out that regardless of not being round my youngsters 40% of the time, I really feel so, so near them. I’ve much more psychological and bodily power, and we do extra enjoyable actions collectively.” — Melinda, creator of Howdy, Merciless World! and the publication Now What
My feminine friendships flourished:
“Actual discuss: I believed I used to be going to die the primary couple instances I didn’t have my daughter. I missed her a lot and felt gutted not being along with her on daily basis. The grieving course of was wrenching. Through the years, I discovered that prioritizing friendship helped probably the most. Ladies are sometimes siloed in nuclear households. After my divorce, I used to be free to spend extra time with associates — notably my finest good friend, who has been a single mother from day one. This friendship has turn into crucial grownup relationship in my life. We’ve spent main holidays, holidays, and lengthy weekends along with our women. My daughter and I’ll drive to my good friend’s home on a Thursday night time, the place we’ll repair dinner, put the children in entrance of a film, and stroll or lie in mattress and chat for hours. Our friendship has nourished me greater than any romantic relationship ever has. She’s my ‘particular person.’” — Claire
Mother serving to her son by means of a troublesome stage of Tremendous Mario Land, 1989.
I may be extra current with my youngsters as a result of I get breaks:
“One of many largest points in our marriage was the unequal distribution of childcare labor, so after we divorced, I’ll admit, I really cherished that my ex must share the time. I felt like ‘Lastly, he’ll understand how disruptive youngsters are to work life; lastly, he’ll really feel the ache of the two:55 p.m. pickup!’ Sure, it was an adjustment. However I had discovered motherhood all-consuming. Splitting custody made it really feel manageable. Additionally, now when my youngsters are with me, I’m extra current as a result of I do know it’s not endless. So, I can lock in and be with them, understanding a break is baked in.” — Cindy, creator of The Mom Lode
My worst fears didn’t come true:
“I pushed off divorce manner too lengthy due to the concern of break up custody. I’d play scenes in my head from movie and TV — like divorced moms crying at dwelling with out their youngsters, questioning what their life had turn into. My youngsters are seven and 10, and I questioned if I might maintain it collectively till my youngsters turned 18. However then I noticed how far off ‘simply’ 10 extra years was. As quickly as we started shared custody, an enormous weight lifted. I noticed how a lot anxiousness I’d been carrying — not simply because parenting calls for fell unequally on me, however as a result of I used to be spending a lot time ‘working’ on my marriage and being consumed by these imagined eventualities. As a substitute, the truth of shared custody is stuffed with aid, optimism, and time to reconnect with associates, myself, artistic initiatives, group and activism. My youngsters now have a mannequin for what it appears to be like wish to go towards the grain and create the life you need and want — as an alternative of a mannequin of what it appears to be like wish to robust it out for the sake of conforming to what we expect a household ought to appear to be.” — Amanda, creator of Touched Out and the publication Mad Ladies, and co-host of Dire Straights
I am going on her college subject journeys on my ‘off’ days:
“Regardless that we’ve been co-parenting for a decade, I nonetheless really feel the duality of loving and grieving my time with out my daughter. On my off days, I’ve turn into extra concerned in her college, like subject journeys and extracurricular actions. We additionally gave her a telephone, so she might have autonomy between the homes to talk to the opposite mum or dad, and I like that we will alternate little texts all week. Certainly one of our favourite issues is taking part in New York Occasions video games each morning.” — Marie, creator of the publication Notes from Marie
Alone time grew to become probably the greatest components:
“To my shock, what I used to be most of afraid of turned out to be the most important perk of this 50/50 co-parenting arrange. I used to be petrified of the weekends the place I wouldn’t have the children. I believed I’d be depressing, sitting depressed in my residence. However whereas I do miss the children, I’m excited to have weekends to myself, to recharge, spend time with associates or just sit on my sofa and skim. I had fully forgotten what it felt wish to be simply me. It’s wonderful!” — Tina
Do you share joint custody of your youngsters? What has your expertise been? Any recommendation you’d share?
P.S. 5 issues that stunned me about divorce, and the script we used to speak to youngsters about divorce.
P.P.S. And, on Large Salad, what it felt wish to have intercourse for the primary time post-divorce, and the way are you aware if it’s time to get divorced?
(Images, from prime, by Atolas/Stocksy, Studio Firma/Stocksy, Scott Wolford, Evgenij Yulkin/Stocksy, and Bruce and Rebecca Meissner/Stocksy.)
